Sunday, September 18, 2005

Another example...

is my mother. We have never gotten along – I think, most probably from birth. I have tried not to duplicate ANYTHING she has does in her life – from being a woman to being a mother from being a career person. Sometimes, when I find myself acting like her, I have to shake myself and think about all the pain she caused me as a child.

She’s a master at this one, and she most recently threw her spiked barbs at me once again (don’t you hate that when you’re 40, your parents can still take you into a room and anihilate you with their lectures?).

I have tried to respect her sagacity (because the only thing she’s got going for her is really her experience, not that it’s wisdom, but she has lived before me), but still, there’s just things that people think that shouldn’t be said.

I take everything she says personally – after all, shouldn’t it be your mother who would love you lest you be an axe murderer? I keep thinking of Sisten Helen Prejean and “Dead Man Walking,” but to be honest, I think that if my mother were faced with a choice of $1M or me, she would honestly choose that money – or possibly the companionship of a man.

As a teacher, I am so aware of the power of words and how they can hurt. My mother thinks I am hurtful – but I had an excellent teacher.

Albeit I have had counseling for years regarding my soft spots and my mother, I still need to get over her hurtful remarks, and realize that it’s not about me – many people feel this way about her, and that I need to continue on with how I feel, regardless of whether or not I feel it “measures up.”

I guess that’s why this is on my goal list. I will be forever seeking approval because my mother puts me in the position – and most likely will do so until she dies – and I take everything everyone else says to heart.

I thought once I turned 40, it would all magically disappear – as if I would never have to deal with teenaged insecurities again, but I still need to work on this.